There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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