I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
