it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
