That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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