I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
