we have pet lesbian snakes
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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