so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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