My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
These tits shall not be calmed
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
