Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
