I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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