I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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