so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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