Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
