You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If I die, sorry about rent.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
