I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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