when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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