I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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