We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
