OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
