How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I have demons in me.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
