He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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