there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
