Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
