Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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