Dual....:-)
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
