Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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