i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
