Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
