i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize