just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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