So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
