In America we eat man semen.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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