So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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