I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
