Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
