I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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