it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
