i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I touched a dick in church today
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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