Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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