He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
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