I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
