u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My breasts were aching with rage.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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