btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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