a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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