So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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