The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
