btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
