mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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