I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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