I just cut my nipple shaving
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
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