All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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