Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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